Even in the Wondering

We all just want to be seen. Most of us want to hide the dark oceans within and only reveal the beautiful sparkling waters that are on the surface. The surface, this is what we show friends, family, significant others, and sometimes even ourselves. This can be seen in our social media accounts, conversations and day to day interactions. To be seen in the way we hope to be seen; this is a desperate cry to be loved. The truth is we all want to be loved. Most of us are so afraid to be vulnerable and show all of ourselves in fear we will not be good enough. Let me tell you there is One who sees ALL of you. He comes to me and says you are ENOUGH. This is God. Some of you may believe this and others may just be entertaining this idea.

In 2018 I went through a great deal of change. This was in both my worldly life and spiritual life. I have been entertaining many ideas about faith God and history of humans. As I go on this spiritual journey which at times feels like a never ending war, there have been what I call little graces that keep pointing me to God. For example, my friend recently came back from California to attend the Passion Conference. Truthfully I had never heard of it until I had lunch with her and she informed me that it was a gathering of college aged adults worshiping the Lord. At the end of our lunch I wished her well and did not think much of this conference again. Later in the week we planned a beach trip to do a photo shoot (in the middle of winter, I know we are crazy). After a day of laughter and shivers from the cold we headed home.

I was sitting in the car looking out of the window at the rippling waters under the bridge thinking about God, the earth, wondering if in the whole scheme of things I mattered and if Christianity was correct. As quick as I had these thoughts my friend belted out “at the passion conference we talked about Doubting Thomas” she went on to explain how she had always thought of the story as if Thomas was wrong for doubting. I said nothing. I sat there and listened. She explained that at the conference they spoke of how Thomas was not in the room to see Jesus come through the wall the first time. This left him unsure if his friends were pulling his leg or not. Then Jesus came through the wall again just so Thomas could see and He happily showed his hands and even went as far as to show his side. This displayed God is greater than us and he will always welcome and love us no matter what we do or think.

When she finished that story I could not help but to sit in awe. I was feeling guilty for being like doubting Thomas but God is pleased that we care enough to question and search for truth. That renewed my faith and helped remind me that the love of God is right there if we want to accept it. Thank the Lord for those little graces.

My name is Rebecca Carter. I am twenty years old majoring in Fine Arts and minoring in Communication. Being heavily involved at my college keeps me busy but I still try to find time to travel. As an artist I feel it’s important to travel, experience different cultures and gain new perspectives. This is something I have done and will continue to do in the future. Unlike traveling, writing has always been a struggle for me due to my dyslexia. Because of my parents, tutors and my own persistence, I have been able to overcome many of the hardships dyslexia has thrown at me. I now look at my dyslexia as a beautiful part of myself that has allowed me to develop the skills of advocating for myself, time management, and organization. I no longer view it as a deficit, but embrace it as the gift that has motivated me to succeed. Thank you for taking the time to read about me and what I have to say.